An Elite World

April is not a great month

Ellen — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 14:19:03 +0000

April showers to My flowers – the showers this month will be tears. Pssover came and went as did the rivers of rain and tears that came with them. Passover was not an easy one, and the end of the month will mark a birthday that will never come. trying to get through it all – and still not doing a great job of it all.

New Year, new me?

Ellen — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 14:23:02 +0000

ya…its that time again… 12am strikes and the ball goes down and the world come to celebrate the circumsision of one man signifying a new year. Happy 2010!!! Resolutions are made (well, made to be broken) and so many expectations are set - and are bound and doomed to fail. I am the eternal optimist!

This year, there was no resolution…there were no promises – there was just hoping and praying that 2010 would be a better year. The thing is – when I look back at pictures of years that past- I wonder why would I want them to be better when the years past were really great. 2008 was amazing!! I had a great job, a man and an in tact family that I loved. 2009 started a little rockier and ended pretty shitty. 2010 is now here and things will never be as good as they were in 2008. I will never have that job that I once loved, I will never have my whole family back in tact.. and ya – a man will be there, but that is not really enough to make me feel like I once did. I feel like I will never be whole again.

To try and compensate for my loss I seek to fill that void in that of the family of my “other half”. Wow, big mistake. They are selfish, and ya as I am always told – they mean well – they mean well for themselves. Same with work, I should be thankful to have a job I am told, well if the job treats you like crap – how thankful can I be?

So, here I am on the verge of another New Year come tomorrow - and I still have no resolutions, nothing I aspire to and nothing that I hope to achieve. Maybe peace of mind and a restful nights sleep – somehow, that is all I seem to need these days and something I strive to have once again..

Still unsure

Ellen — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 20:13:22 +0000

I still wonder how the pain is supposed to get better. I keep crying throughout the day and wondering when things will get better – but they are not. I wonder who “they” is and how “they” know. Have “they” been through this before? I hurt and I wonder who can make this pain go away. I cry at work – I disassociate at home, and I just go through the day in a fog.

Its been a while

Ellen — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 17:21:10 +0000

This year has been filled with so much sadness and loss that it seems that writing may be able to take some of the edge off. But, we will see. Sometimes I wonder if a blog is out there for others to read and sympathize, and oher times I wonder if it is more for just getting all of the words and emotion out.

I think it is safe to say that for me, I am still unsure. This year has been awful and i am ready for 2009 to end. Overall, it has been a year of losing friends, family and a past that I wish I could have back – even if it is for only one day. Dream of what was and what could have been haunt me and prevent me from sleeping at night. I wake up even sadder and more tired that I was before I went to bed.

Pills should and may help, maybe talking to someone is the answer – but I am afraid to hear my own voice and the words I have to say – will writing make it easier. The sentiment is the same – I still have to hear my thoughts as I type them onto this page. I still have to read what I wrote when I have finished what I said. So, we will see if this works – but at this point I have to try. I think…….

Sick and Tired

Ellen — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 15:00:06 +0000

To all five of you who actually read my blog,

Sorry things have been so lame around here. For the past week, I’ve been fighting a lingering and really annoying cold. I feel tired and sniffly all the time and thinking for more than two seconds about a single topic is impossible.
TV has been treating me well, though even that gets boring after a while. I pledge to blog more this week, though that is pending on me getting better. Until then.

I feel your pain

Ellen — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 14:54:24 +0000

I feel your pain
The pain in losing someone so close to us,
The pain in losing someone so dear to us
Knowing that they were just right here with us
I feel your pain. We never really say good-bye
Just I’ll see you home some day soon.
The pain to us that any time or any day that
Any time or any day that our love ones do not have long
to stay
I feel your pain the pain in knowing this has
Happened to you. The pain in knowing what more
tears we have gained. But through all this I feel your pain

Coping with a Loss

Ellen — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 21:54:53 +0000

Shock
No! It can’t be!
When you get that tragic phone call and drop the phone in disbelief, the shock can last for days or weeks. You cannot change an event once it has happened. Allow yourself to feel your emotions from one end of the spectrum to the other. Grief is draining in so many ways, including emotionally, mentally, and physically. It is very therapeutic to sleep when you are tired, eat when you are hungry, cry when you need to and talk to someone you trust that will listen to you unconditionally.

When a person experiences the loss of someone they love, either through divorce or death, they are forced to deal with grief. When a loss occurs, most of us are unprepared for how to handle it, especially if we have never had to deal with it before. Even if we have, it is still traumatic each time.

The hatred that just wont end

Ellen — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 14:35:20 +0000

From the time I was a little girl, I was taught not to wish others harm. If I had a dollar for every time I was told the harm you wish others may backfire and you may suffer from your own wrath, I would be a millionaire. It is because of this, I always wished upon others just what they wished me…..

This time…the anger wins. I know its not good to have hatred to someone but i just can’t help it. One would think that losing a best friend .. and bloging about it all the time you would learn to respect that bond of friendship…and accept the kind of relationship that can is. But no…

Yet again I give people the benefit of the doubt… but now the anger has finally surfaced. Maybe its because of what this person did to me before which iI will never forget..but i really wanted to get rid of this feeling. The hatred and anger have come to the point that I tried blogging as a way to release… but it is not working the way I expected it to.

This is just not healthy.

Blogger’s Block

Ellen — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 19:34:04 +0000

Today I googled that phrase “blogger’s block”. I was greeted with prompts such as, “Tell about a time you got really angry” and “Write about something controversial”.

Thing is, the last few weeks I have been trying to find love and acceptance from others.. and still feel just alone and empty. I already blogged about that – so how much more can I say.

The weather is pleasant. My job quieting down. Boooorring! I go to work, go home, sleep, shower (sometimes) and repeat.

The end.

Why does it feel good to trust?

Ellen — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 17:56:31 +0000

“im no longer interested developing a friendship with either of you.

i will never trust either of you again.”

This is something that was written to me – by the wife of a “former” friend. After years of friendship – reading a public blog was enough to write me off as dead. I should be over it by now, it has been almost 2 months… but I am not.

Over time, I feel like I have invested so much in people. Friendship is a relationship that is just as much work as a marriage. A friend is someone you feel like you can spill your innermost thoughts and intimate feelings with them without being judged or laughed at. Its good to have another human being with common thoughts and feelings to confide in.

It is a comfortable feeling to let your guard down when you know it is okay. It is only okay when you truly trust. It feels good to not worry.

When can I stop worrying and learn to trust again?